What have we become?

I have decided after a few hours that some of this is not for anyone but me and have edited myself.


I learned a strange fact when I started working at my new job. Anyone can have cable. Well like water and electricity it has become one of the staples most families have today.  And most would consider it to be their right to do so. Throughout the history of our country we as a people have had the right to bear arms. So anyone in this country that is blah, blah, blah has had the right to protect their families and their domain from attack.

We do not live in a country where there are armed guards outside our schools or grocery stores but I have been to countries that do and is that what we have become. Is that how civil we are. This is the greatest country in the world but each individual that lives here needs to be the greatest person they can and this whole gun loving thing has to end.

I would like to know when we as a country are going to decide that everyone does not have the right to a gun. I usually only take a stand like this with my husband and we have had some very heated discussions over just this subject. But really how many people have to die? Does it have to be someone you know. Well I have already been there. And I can tell you how the next few weeks are going to go for these families. So just in case you don't think this has hit close enough to you. I am going to share some facts that up until today I decided were best kept to myself and my family but really people.

On May 2nd at about 5:30pm Brian's sister Lisa, her daughter Amber , Amber's daughter Lilly and her boyfriend Jim had been killed by the person Lisa was trying to break off her relationship with. Thank God he took his own life as well. That saved a lot more misery. There were candlelight vigils and car washes to pay funeral expenses. There were T-Shirts sold with a cross and the victims names.
Who wants to buy a t-shirt with 20 elementary school children's name? I am not being funny or sarcastic I am serious. I failed to mention our niece who was also home when this horrific act of violence happened and she was in her room hiding. Thank God.  I only know the suffering I have felt and can not imagine what life will be like for the children in Connecticut after this savage attack.

A week later we were all in Arizona as a family. I finally felt useful. Brian and I helped his brother and sister in-laws clean out and up the house. Yes. The house where they were all killed. With a cross in the front yard with names of the victims. Teddy bears in memory of Lilly, balloons and candles lit every night by the neighbors. A little boy praying in the front yard for his little friend. How graphic do I have to be. This is horrible.

The next day we had the viewing. I have written about that day but not yet shared it. I will tell you this. Thank God for family. It is not something to be suffered through alone. Nothing like seeing young people taken before their time. Jim's funeral was back in South Carolina where he was from.Are you getting the picture. This is terrible stuff.

Next day funeral. Undercover police protecting us from any would be wackos that might come crawling out of the woodwork. One lone photographer that did not understand the words the media is not welcome. Or maybe the organization he worked for doesn't understand. So yes there are pictures of grieving family members I guess that makes great news. We will see. I think the best we could collectively do as a people is turn off the damn tv for the next week and let their advertising dollars go straight to hell.

Did I mention I no longer watch the news. If it wasn't for the fact that my Christmas Carols on the radio today in the car was interrupted by the news I would have probably found out from someone else or the Internet. I no longer can hear this news. I can not process what the media does with an event like this. It is so tragic. But in a week they will be on to other stories and not mention it unless something else tragic happens or a year from now there will be another vigil to remember those gone. But it is those that survived that we need to worry about. We need to care for and hold. They need so much more than most can understand. Some are going to grow up with trust issues and never feel safe. Some may not be able to leave there home without their mom or dad and can you blame them. That is the children. The adults are going to have just as hard a time processing this.

The evening of the funeral we had dinner as a family then on a plane to North Carolina to a Celebration of Life service on Saturday. For the friends of Brian's parent it was there place to show their respect. The neighbors and church members had done so much already. Brought food and made decisions that most would think are silly but in the state of shock you are in you can not make simple choices without breaking down.

So we are now a week and a half into my tragedy. My families tragedy. Did I mention the following Monday I start a new job at a new company where no one knows my pain. I sat through a training class on what to do in case of some sort of lock down in the building. It was almost to much. I was shaking sitting there. No one knows what I have experienced and would they understand?  The people from this school in Connecticut and their family some have plans to start new things and to have Christmas for children that are gone. They have presents under the tree. What do you do with those gifts? I wish someone that thinks everyone has the right to gun can tell me what do you do with those gifts. What do you do on their birthday. This was a senseless act of violence because one person felt they had the right to decide today who else in their town had the right to live or die. Or was the shooters pain so great he had no idea what he was doing. Either way he should not have had a gun. Not today and probably never. Not because I say so but because as a people we want our children to go to school where they are safe and teachers don't have to keep a gun in their desk to protect them self and their students from attackers.

No matter who owns the guns. Guns do not kill people. People kill people. Tell me when an assault rifle is used in hunting and why we need them here. Yes again, I have been places where there is not a 70 year old security guard that yells stop or I will yell stop again there is a young man with muscles that has an assault rifle and I am pretty sure he is trained to use it. Grocery store owners that have a holster with a handgun on their hip and would not be afraid to use it. Granted in those countries there is the rich and the poor and no in between. Well isn't that where we this country is going.

Hope not. Hope we are smarter than that. Hope today is the day. We decide that we will not be terrorized by our own. It is not the crazy person that owns the gun that is going to decide to turn it in. It is never the grandma that says maybe I shouldn't drive anymore. It is someone near by that has to explain to them that for the safety of everyone maybe you shouldn't drive anymore. Why can't we do the same with the guns.

PTSD.... Post Traumatic Stress Disorder it is not just for soldiers anymore. Or people who live in war torn countries where the building they live in are not safe and neither is the bus they ride to get to work. Am I sounding paranoid??? I am not. I understand this event as well as any Shrink on TV. This is going to cause suffering way beyond the loss of life suffered today.

I am going to end with a prayer for all those who were there today are related to someone there or anyone else who has suffered their own personal tragedy. God please help them get through this time and let them all know they are loved. Please seek whatever help you need. A friend a family member or call me. I can recommend a great counselor.

Trust your Gut and Never Go Back

I am a friend for life type so I am all in. It takes me a long time to give up on people that I have given everything for. If your a person that has left me or I have left you. It took a long time and you probably treated me miserably for a long time before I had decided I had had enough.

Not sure why I guess people of the other types enjoy taking a person like me and trying to see how long will she put up with me. Damn, some would say. Had no idea it would take her that long.

My first long term boyfriend. Seven years! Seven years of him acting like a baby. A regular momma's boy and never in our time together getting his act together in a way I felt we could move out and get a place of our own. And why should he leave his mother's house. Cooking service, laundry service, maid service. Hell, I guess I wouldn't have left either. Well at least I know I was not enough for him to get his act together for. Not sure if anyone ever was.

Most people that I part ways with. Fall under a very simple rule.

Never go back.

It will not get better. They will not change. They did mean what they said, and as you have already learned about me I will never forget.

It was Christmas 1990 when this rule #1 went into effect.
Remember no names. Funny it doesn't matter only 3 people reading this might even remember his name.

First, I stood up for myself a couple times and realized I was ok alone. Went to a dear friend's wedding by myself because the loser changed his mind at the last minute. Oh well, I am going anyway! Not hard words to say but it really took me to push myself to go out the door.

Another time I was going to stop by a co-workers house on the way home. He did not want me to. I said, Ok. And did it anyway. Even went so far as to call from the friends to say I was home. Now the end is near. I do not like to lie and should not have to.

A few more weeks later. He pulls the if you don't do what I want I am going to kill myself act and locks himself in the bathroom. Did I mention he was 25 at this point. Well that was the day. I begged, pleaded. Still in the bathroom. Not knowing what else to do I decided the Jeanne that has a back bone better show up. I knocked on the bathroom door and said, either you come out or I am leaving. He said, he would kill himself as I walked away I said then your mom will be the one to find your body.

Went to what at the time I thought was my best friends house only to find out that he and she well...
Yeah, After 7 years with this guy and being friends with her since middle school. Rule #1 was invoked for 2 people that I had been close to for a very long time. I think I have seen him once since then and her I never saw again.

Don't think about either of them often.

Another guy I dated for a while none of you have ever met.

I met at Radio Shack. I helped him with a return of a phone and he came back and asked me over to his place. An older guy. Much older. He didn't want any of the same things I did but for a short time he was a person I could be with that treated me well. Tried to help me be a better person. But not interested in forever or children. Kinda sad at the time. Then he told me he met a woman closer in age. It might have been a lie to let me go. Funny thing is years later, he would call and check in and see if I was happy. I think he was sad to hear that I was getting married. He has even called since I have been married but it has probably been at least 10 years since the last call, but I have never seen him again. There is really no need.

Last but best example of Rule #1 some of you may remember. He also helped create another rule

Trust your gut

When you get in an elevator and get a creepy feeling about the person already there you get in anyway. No other animal in nature would lock themselves in a steel box with another creature that scares them besides a human. 

 I have only been wrong a few times and only twice I have changed my mind and trusted a person that originally made me believe they were not trust worthy.

One was liar and a thief. I had him pegged wrong to begin with. I thought he was a decent kid that I worked with. But as time went by I questioned it. Well when he got promoted and moved to another store and stole 3 days worth deposits. I could not believe it. I was so mad for letting my guard down and trusting him.

Another person I worked with he was an older manger, been around forever. I worked at his store when his assistant manager was on vacation. Could never figure out why the lottery never came out right at his store. Always be 100's of dollars off. I would call and blame myself. Must have made a mistake. I even went by once to see what I did wrong and he said not to worry he took care of it. Never questioned it. Neither did one of his assistant managers. She knew they were going to have an LP visit and she checked the books and signed off on something he had done. Trusting he had done it. Well... He didn't and guess who almost got blamed for the missing deposit. No it wasn't me but man. Never sign off on something you did not do. EVER.

I am saving the third for his own post.

So to wrap up this crazy day.

We have learned:

Never Go Back & Trust your Gut.

You are worth it. Don't bother with those that are no good for you. No matter how much you try it will always get you. And why waist time with people not willing to give you everything you are worth.

Abuse

No mincing words here.

The poem below was written at 2 AM, 36 hours after I found out that my sister-in-law Lisa, her daughter Amber, Amber's daughter Lilly and her boyfriend Jim were murdered.

I did not at the time I wrote this the whole truth, and as the song says,  "I wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then." Toby Keith

That song could some up May 2nd 2012 for me and my family.

So I do not at this time have a lot to say about that day or the weeks that followed. But I do want to share the poem I wrote. I now understand what a song writer means when they say I sat down and it just poured out. For the Love of Lilly was swirling around in my head as I went to bed. I could not sleep. Got up turned on the computer and about an hour later I read it and couldn't believe I wrote it.

I have always been a writer, more a journaler. Nothing to share. Just wrote for myself. I assume someday someone will find things I have written and saved and never shared. Love and Loss. Those are my best subjects.

One more personal note to share before my poem. I have always had a great memory. Not that I was a genius in school. I remember songs, lyrics, quotes. Not important ones but ones that stick with me are forever with me. The curse of a great memory. You can never forget.

In the coming weeks and months I hope to share some of my unforgettable memories.

Now... For the Love of Lilly

For the Love of Lilly

For the love of Lilly please stop domestic violence.                                                  

For the love of Lilly let no child live under threat of abuse.

For the love of Lilly let no child have marks left from punishment.

For the love of Lilly let no child suffer unseen scars from mental abuse.

For the love of Lilly stop needless violence.  

For the love of Amber please stop domestic violence.

For the love of Amber let no teen live with threats if they tell on their parents abuse.

For the love of Amber let no teen have bruises from a date.

For the love of Amber let no young woman be afraid to leave a boy friend for they might be hurt.

For the love of Amber stop the needless violence.

For the love of Lisa please stop domestic violence.

For the love of Lisa let no woman live in fear for every choice she makes is going to be wrong.

For the love of Lisa let no woman think drinking is an excuse for violent behavior.

For the love of Lisa let no woman choose between her life free or in fear.

For the love of Lisa stop the needless violence.

For the love of Brittany please stop domestic violence.

For the love of Brittany get out of the abusive relationship.

For the love of Brittany ask for help.

For the love of Brittany live.

For the love of Brittany stop the needless violence.

For the love of Rolf and Diane let no parent receive the call that they did.

For the love of Rolf and Diane let no parent  not ask questions that are hard to ask or hear the answers that are impossible to hear.

For the love of Buddy and Brian find out if your sister needs help whether you are related or not.

For the love of Lori and Jeanne be a friend for your sister when she needs you.

For the love of Brandon, Heather and Megan know that you are worth it.

You should be treated well by your friend, spouse, and parents.

For the love of GOD please don’t let this happen to someone you love.

If you need help please call someone.

Safe Horizon 1-800-621-HOPE (4673)

National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)