Day 577 of the Pandemic

 Time flies so fast. I don't know how it got to be October when it feels like my father just passed away. In reality it has been two and a half months since he did, and a month since we laid him to rest in the Gulf of Mexico. Yet that feels like it was last week and I still expect him to get back from his trip anytime. Reality is just not real anymore. It is no more real than anything else I read on the internet or see on T.V. 

The Covid talk at work drives me crazy. There are numerous people that have had it and they must have earned a PHD in Covid while they were home for the two weeks. They all seem to be experts. At times now I have to walk away. I will not say what I know. You are not safe no one is. I don't believe the vaccine or anything else other than good hygiene and keeping my distance from large groups of people will keep me safe. And then part of me believes after being exposed to so many people that have had it how could I have not built up some immunity? 

I have found a new anxiety trigger in Covid. Like I needed another. But as little as a sneeze and I am going to die. Just like my dad. I know this seems extreme but if you don't know anxiety, it is a quick and slippery slope that gets me to a bad place. And it can take hours to get back to normalcy. 

My father wouldn't want me to be scared. At the beginning of Covid he didn't let anyone in his house. We would have to leave things on the porch. He didn't want to even talk across the yard. But after a few months of isolation he decided that is no way to live either. If you only have a short time it should be enjoyed. Thank God he did. He enjoyed his time he had left. He fished and gardened. He read books and continued to learn things. 

It was his birthday when we laid him to rest. All his children, grandchildren and many friends came out. Plans changed at the last minute due to the weather but an artificial reef made of his ashes was placed in the Gulf. Afterwards we did what dad would want to do if he was 10 miles out in the Gulf. We went fishing. We caught fish, we ate and played music and talked about previous fishing trips with dad. He would have loved it. His great granddaughter caught her first fish out on the boat and all his grandchildren caught fish. I hope it becomes a regular family event. Afterwards we all went to eat and had the fish cooked up and told more stories of days gone by. 

For my Covid Update. Booster shots are now a thing. The drug companies are all saying another shot for those more susceptible or in close contact with those that have been exposed should get another shot. Even Johnson & Johnson the whole one and done, well not so much. The big thing since school started is that the Florida Governor doesn't want to mandate mask wearing but some school districts do. This has caused a raucous over funding of the schools. The President would like companies with more than 100 employees to mandate vaccination. See how different peoples opinions are, and those people are mandating what the rest of us do. 

Here in Pinellas County we are getting back to where people feel safe. Cases are dropping we are down to 153 cases and only 1,053 new cases last week. Total of 133 thousand cases and just over 2,500 deaths.  

I just don't know what to do with all this information. It comes at you from every direction and from every source imaginable. As I keep telling people that are convinced of one or the other I am not sure and know what I have been doing for the last year and a half has worked so far. I don't want to prove I have been vaccinated weather I have been or not. So here I stand riding the rail of the Covid fence just trying to get through this difficult time. Just like everyone else.

Another Tragedy in the World

So it is 5:30 in the morning and I cannot sleep. I can't turn off my brain and all I keep thinking is that I am avoiding the news and the stories and the drama on tv but my brain still knows it is going on.

I know the suffering the choices that people are making. I know that for some this is all more than they can take in and that somehow going out for a night on the town should never have turned to this tragedy. But it has. I always read a previous post before I start writing. Today I looked back to find what I had written after the Sandy Hook shooting. I first had a hard time finding the post. I didn't realize it was back in 2012, the same year as our own tragedy. After reading what I had written it came back. The feelings then were still fresh, the wounds still open and the anger was real. Part of me thought just re-post what you wrote back then. It is still true, my feelings have not changed and guess what neither has gun laws or the amount of suffering in the world. I do stop and check myself so I just looked up gun law changes in wake of Sandy Hook shooting as far as I could find nothing changed on a national level and only 3 states made changes to existing gun laws: Connecticut, New York and Maryland. So thank you to 3 out of 50 states for saying that a clip holding more than 10 rounds isn't necessary. I know some will think I am cruel but if Congress can't change laws after a shooting in an elementary school what makes anyone believe they will make a change after a shooting in a bar.

One thing that most don't realize when I write these thoughts I am so careful in what I say and have spent an hour writing and only written 2 paragraphs where normally my fingers are tired at this point from all the typing. I have erased more than I will probably share today. I think of the suffering and the sadness. I know that everyone deals with something like this in their own way. Some have to talk about it and get it out and others keep everything inside. I don't begrudge those that must talk about it just please don't talk to me about the details. If you want to talk about healing or getting through this that is fine but the details are not for me.

In the wake of this tragic event I will just remind the world that this is not over for all the families. Even though another week or so will pass and the news will start to wane. It will take months for some to be able to go out in public again and others may never. Family members will hold tight to a t-shirt or a teddy bear instead of their family member. Some will seek help and others will not. And for some years will pass in a blink of an eye and they will continue to live in these days. They hold on to the darkness and don't let in the light. They will be unable to move on. Unable to live their own lives. But they will not make the news. Their suffering will go unknown by most. This is where the terror lives. I think it is great that health care agencies are letting their patients know that they do have people that you can talk to on the phone and who may be able to help some deal with the tragedy.

So I have learned this morning that I today am more about the healing of the victims and their family members than the changing of the world.

In closing I pray. I pray for the victims those both with visible scars and those without. I know the wounds are real for both. I pray for the mothers and fathers, sisters and brothers. The friends and acquaintances of the victims. I even pray for those who may have thought of going out that night but decided they were too tired they to have survivors remorse. You will heal and it will take time. Be open and share your feelings. Take one day at a time and each decision that you make or don't make is ok. Everyone heals at a different rate and your healing will come. Amen.

What have we become?

I have decided after a few hours that some of this is not for anyone but me and have edited myself.


I learned a strange fact when I started working at my new job. Anyone can have cable. Well like water and electricity it has become one of the staples most families have today.  And most would consider it to be their right to do so. Throughout the history of our country we as a people have had the right to bear arms. So anyone in this country that is blah, blah, blah has had the right to protect their families and their domain from attack.

We do not live in a country where there are armed guards outside our schools or grocery stores but I have been to countries that do and is that what we have become. Is that how civil we are. This is the greatest country in the world but each individual that lives here needs to be the greatest person they can and this whole gun loving thing has to end.

I would like to know when we as a country are going to decide that everyone does not have the right to a gun. I usually only take a stand like this with my husband and we have had some very heated discussions over just this subject. But really how many people have to die? Does it have to be someone you know. Well I have already been there. And I can tell you how the next few weeks are going to go for these families. So just in case you don't think this has hit close enough to you. I am going to share some facts that up until today I decided were best kept to myself and my family but really people.

On May 2nd at about 5:30pm Brian's sister Lisa, her daughter Amber , Amber's daughter Lilly and her boyfriend Jim had been killed by the person Lisa was trying to break off her relationship with. Thank God he took his own life as well. That saved a lot more misery. There were candlelight vigils and car washes to pay funeral expenses. There were T-Shirts sold with a cross and the victims names.
Who wants to buy a t-shirt with 20 elementary school children's name? I am not being funny or sarcastic I am serious. I failed to mention our niece who was also home when this horrific act of violence happened and she was in her room hiding. Thank God.  I only know the suffering I have felt and can not imagine what life will be like for the children in Connecticut after this savage attack.

A week later we were all in Arizona as a family. I finally felt useful. Brian and I helped his brother and sister in-laws clean out and up the house. Yes. The house where they were all killed. With a cross in the front yard with names of the victims. Teddy bears in memory of Lilly, balloons and candles lit every night by the neighbors. A little boy praying in the front yard for his little friend. How graphic do I have to be. This is horrible.

The next day we had the viewing. I have written about that day but not yet shared it. I will tell you this. Thank God for family. It is not something to be suffered through alone. Nothing like seeing young people taken before their time. Jim's funeral was back in South Carolina where he was from.Are you getting the picture. This is terrible stuff.

Next day funeral. Undercover police protecting us from any would be wackos that might come crawling out of the woodwork. One lone photographer that did not understand the words the media is not welcome. Or maybe the organization he worked for doesn't understand. So yes there are pictures of grieving family members I guess that makes great news. We will see. I think the best we could collectively do as a people is turn off the damn tv for the next week and let their advertising dollars go straight to hell.

Did I mention I no longer watch the news. If it wasn't for the fact that my Christmas Carols on the radio today in the car was interrupted by the news I would have probably found out from someone else or the Internet. I no longer can hear this news. I can not process what the media does with an event like this. It is so tragic. But in a week they will be on to other stories and not mention it unless something else tragic happens or a year from now there will be another vigil to remember those gone. But it is those that survived that we need to worry about. We need to care for and hold. They need so much more than most can understand. Some are going to grow up with trust issues and never feel safe. Some may not be able to leave there home without their mom or dad and can you blame them. That is the children. The adults are going to have just as hard a time processing this.

The evening of the funeral we had dinner as a family then on a plane to North Carolina to a Celebration of Life service on Saturday. For the friends of Brian's parent it was there place to show their respect. The neighbors and church members had done so much already. Brought food and made decisions that most would think are silly but in the state of shock you are in you can not make simple choices without breaking down.

So we are now a week and a half into my tragedy. My families tragedy. Did I mention the following Monday I start a new job at a new company where no one knows my pain. I sat through a training class on what to do in case of some sort of lock down in the building. It was almost to much. I was shaking sitting there. No one knows what I have experienced and would they understand?  The people from this school in Connecticut and their family some have plans to start new things and to have Christmas for children that are gone. They have presents under the tree. What do you do with those gifts? I wish someone that thinks everyone has the right to gun can tell me what do you do with those gifts. What do you do on their birthday. This was a senseless act of violence because one person felt they had the right to decide today who else in their town had the right to live or die. Or was the shooters pain so great he had no idea what he was doing. Either way he should not have had a gun. Not today and probably never. Not because I say so but because as a people we want our children to go to school where they are safe and teachers don't have to keep a gun in their desk to protect them self and their students from attackers.

No matter who owns the guns. Guns do not kill people. People kill people. Tell me when an assault rifle is used in hunting and why we need them here. Yes again, I have been places where there is not a 70 year old security guard that yells stop or I will yell stop again there is a young man with muscles that has an assault rifle and I am pretty sure he is trained to use it. Grocery store owners that have a holster with a handgun on their hip and would not be afraid to use it. Granted in those countries there is the rich and the poor and no in between. Well isn't that where we this country is going.

Hope not. Hope we are smarter than that. Hope today is the day. We decide that we will not be terrorized by our own. It is not the crazy person that owns the gun that is going to decide to turn it in. It is never the grandma that says maybe I shouldn't drive anymore. It is someone near by that has to explain to them that for the safety of everyone maybe you shouldn't drive anymore. Why can't we do the same with the guns.

PTSD.... Post Traumatic Stress Disorder it is not just for soldiers anymore. Or people who live in war torn countries where the building they live in are not safe and neither is the bus they ride to get to work. Am I sounding paranoid??? I am not. I understand this event as well as any Shrink on TV. This is going to cause suffering way beyond the loss of life suffered today.

I am going to end with a prayer for all those who were there today are related to someone there or anyone else who has suffered their own personal tragedy. God please help them get through this time and let them all know they are loved. Please seek whatever help you need. A friend a family member or call me. I can recommend a great counselor.