Another Tragedy in the World

So it is 5:30 in the morning and I cannot sleep. I can't turn off my brain and all I keep thinking is that I am avoiding the news and the stories and the drama on tv but my brain still knows it is going on.

I know the suffering the choices that people are making. I know that for some this is all more than they can take in and that somehow going out for a night on the town should never have turned to this tragedy. But it has. I always read a previous post before I start writing. Today I looked back to find what I had written after the Sandy Hook shooting. I first had a hard time finding the post. I didn't realize it was back in 2012, the same year as our own tragedy. After reading what I had written it came back. The feelings then were still fresh, the wounds still open and the anger was real. Part of me thought just re-post what you wrote back then. It is still true, my feelings have not changed and guess what neither has gun laws or the amount of suffering in the world. I do stop and check myself so I just looked up gun law changes in wake of Sandy Hook shooting as far as I could find nothing changed on a national level and only 3 states made changes to existing gun laws: Connecticut, New York and Maryland. So thank you to 3 out of 50 states for saying that a clip holding more than 10 rounds isn't necessary. I know some will think I am cruel but if Congress can't change laws after a shooting in an elementary school what makes anyone believe they will make a change after a shooting in a bar.

One thing that most don't realize when I write these thoughts I am so careful in what I say and have spent an hour writing and only written 2 paragraphs where normally my fingers are tired at this point from all the typing. I have erased more than I will probably share today. I think of the suffering and the sadness. I know that everyone deals with something like this in their own way. Some have to talk about it and get it out and others keep everything inside. I don't begrudge those that must talk about it just please don't talk to me about the details. If you want to talk about healing or getting through this that is fine but the details are not for me.

In the wake of this tragic event I will just remind the world that this is not over for all the families. Even though another week or so will pass and the news will start to wane. It will take months for some to be able to go out in public again and others may never. Family members will hold tight to a t-shirt or a teddy bear instead of their family member. Some will seek help and others will not. And for some years will pass in a blink of an eye and they will continue to live in these days. They hold on to the darkness and don't let in the light. They will be unable to move on. Unable to live their own lives. But they will not make the news. Their suffering will go unknown by most. This is where the terror lives. I think it is great that health care agencies are letting their patients know that they do have people that you can talk to on the phone and who may be able to help some deal with the tragedy.

So I have learned this morning that I today am more about the healing of the victims and their family members than the changing of the world.

In closing I pray. I pray for the victims those both with visible scars and those without. I know the wounds are real for both. I pray for the mothers and fathers, sisters and brothers. The friends and acquaintances of the victims. I even pray for those who may have thought of going out that night but decided they were too tired they to have survivors remorse. You will heal and it will take time. Be open and share your feelings. Take one day at a time and each decision that you make or don't make is ok. Everyone heals at a different rate and your healing will come. Amen.

Trust your Gut and Never Go Back

I am a friend for life type so I am all in. It takes me a long time to give up on people that I have given everything for. If your a person that has left me or I have left you. It took a long time and you probably treated me miserably for a long time before I had decided I had had enough.

Not sure why I guess people of the other types enjoy taking a person like me and trying to see how long will she put up with me. Damn, some would say. Had no idea it would take her that long.

My first long term boyfriend. Seven years! Seven years of him acting like a baby. A regular momma's boy and never in our time together getting his act together in a way I felt we could move out and get a place of our own. And why should he leave his mother's house. Cooking service, laundry service, maid service. Hell, I guess I wouldn't have left either. Well at least I know I was not enough for him to get his act together for. Not sure if anyone ever was.

Most people that I part ways with. Fall under a very simple rule.

Never go back.

It will not get better. They will not change. They did mean what they said, and as you have already learned about me I will never forget.

It was Christmas 1990 when this rule #1 went into effect.
Remember no names. Funny it doesn't matter only 3 people reading this might even remember his name.

First, I stood up for myself a couple times and realized I was ok alone. Went to a dear friend's wedding by myself because the loser changed his mind at the last minute. Oh well, I am going anyway! Not hard words to say but it really took me to push myself to go out the door.

Another time I was going to stop by a co-workers house on the way home. He did not want me to. I said, Ok. And did it anyway. Even went so far as to call from the friends to say I was home. Now the end is near. I do not like to lie and should not have to.

A few more weeks later. He pulls the if you don't do what I want I am going to kill myself act and locks himself in the bathroom. Did I mention he was 25 at this point. Well that was the day. I begged, pleaded. Still in the bathroom. Not knowing what else to do I decided the Jeanne that has a back bone better show up. I knocked on the bathroom door and said, either you come out or I am leaving. He said, he would kill himself as I walked away I said then your mom will be the one to find your body.

Went to what at the time I thought was my best friends house only to find out that he and she well...
Yeah, After 7 years with this guy and being friends with her since middle school. Rule #1 was invoked for 2 people that I had been close to for a very long time. I think I have seen him once since then and her I never saw again.

Don't think about either of them often.

Another guy I dated for a while none of you have ever met.

I met at Radio Shack. I helped him with a return of a phone and he came back and asked me over to his place. An older guy. Much older. He didn't want any of the same things I did but for a short time he was a person I could be with that treated me well. Tried to help me be a better person. But not interested in forever or children. Kinda sad at the time. Then he told me he met a woman closer in age. It might have been a lie to let me go. Funny thing is years later, he would call and check in and see if I was happy. I think he was sad to hear that I was getting married. He has even called since I have been married but it has probably been at least 10 years since the last call, but I have never seen him again. There is really no need.

Last but best example of Rule #1 some of you may remember. He also helped create another rule

Trust your gut

When you get in an elevator and get a creepy feeling about the person already there you get in anyway. No other animal in nature would lock themselves in a steel box with another creature that scares them besides a human. 

 I have only been wrong a few times and only twice I have changed my mind and trusted a person that originally made me believe they were not trust worthy.

One was liar and a thief. I had him pegged wrong to begin with. I thought he was a decent kid that I worked with. But as time went by I questioned it. Well when he got promoted and moved to another store and stole 3 days worth deposits. I could not believe it. I was so mad for letting my guard down and trusting him.

Another person I worked with he was an older manger, been around forever. I worked at his store when his assistant manager was on vacation. Could never figure out why the lottery never came out right at his store. Always be 100's of dollars off. I would call and blame myself. Must have made a mistake. I even went by once to see what I did wrong and he said not to worry he took care of it. Never questioned it. Neither did one of his assistant managers. She knew they were going to have an LP visit and she checked the books and signed off on something he had done. Trusting he had done it. Well... He didn't and guess who almost got blamed for the missing deposit. No it wasn't me but man. Never sign off on something you did not do. EVER.

I am saving the third for his own post.

So to wrap up this crazy day.

We have learned:

Never Go Back & Trust your Gut.

You are worth it. Don't bother with those that are no good for you. No matter how much you try it will always get you. And why waist time with people not willing to give you everything you are worth.