So it is 5:30 in the morning and I cannot sleep. I can't turn off my brain and all I keep thinking is that I am avoiding the news and the stories and the drama on tv but my brain still knows it is going on.
I know the suffering the choices that people are making. I know that for some this is all more than they can take in and that somehow going out for a night on the town should never have turned to this tragedy. But it has. I always read a previous post before I start writing. Today I looked back to find what I had written after the Sandy Hook shooting. I first had a hard time finding the post. I didn't realize it was back in 2012, the same year as our own tragedy. After reading what I had written it came back. The feelings then were still fresh, the wounds still open and the anger was real. Part of me thought just re-post what you wrote back then. It is still true, my feelings have not changed and guess what neither has gun laws or the amount of suffering in the world. I do stop and check myself so I just looked up gun law changes in wake of Sandy Hook shooting as far as I could find nothing changed on a national level and only 3 states made changes to existing gun laws: Connecticut, New York and Maryland. So thank you to 3 out of 50 states for saying that a clip holding more than 10 rounds isn't necessary. I know some will think I am cruel but if Congress can't change laws after a shooting in an elementary school what makes anyone believe they will make a change after a shooting in a bar.
One thing that most don't realize when I write these thoughts I am so careful in what I say and have spent an hour writing and only written 2 paragraphs where normally my fingers are tired at this point from all the typing. I have erased more than I will probably share today. I think of the suffering and the sadness. I know that everyone deals with something like this in their own way. Some have to talk about it and get it out and others keep everything inside. I don't begrudge those that must talk about it just please don't talk to me about the details. If you want to talk about healing or getting through this that is fine but the details are not for me.
In the wake of this tragic event I will just remind the world that this is not over for all the families. Even though another week or so will pass and the news will start to wane. It will take months for some to be able to go out in public again and others may never. Family members will hold tight to a t-shirt or a teddy bear instead of their family member. Some will seek help and others will not. And for some years will pass in a blink of an eye and they will continue to live in these days. They hold on to the darkness and don't let in the light. They will be unable to move on. Unable to live their own lives. But they will not make the news. Their suffering will go unknown by most. This is where the terror lives. I think it is great that health care agencies are letting their patients know that they do have people that you can talk to on the phone and who may be able to help some deal with the tragedy.
So I have learned this morning that I today am more about the healing of the victims and their family members than the changing of the world.
In closing I pray. I pray for the victims those both with visible scars and those without. I know the wounds are real for both. I pray for the mothers and fathers, sisters and brothers. The friends and acquaintances of the victims. I even pray for those who may have thought of going out that night but decided they were too tired they to have survivors remorse. You will heal and it will take time. Be open and share your feelings. Take one day at a time and each decision that you make or don't make is ok. Everyone heals at a different rate and your healing will come. Amen.