If not results Hope.

The Beatles sung "All we need is love" but in truth after any tragedy I think the thing people need most is Hope.  Another shooting another time I can not watch tv or listen to the news and again the sadness returns. I watched CBS Sunday Morning today as I do every week. Knowing at some point I may have to pause or fast forward through names and numbers I can't hear. I know to those that lost someone hearing their name makes you think they will be remembered but I can tell you 5 years afterwards that sometimes that is the hardest thing. Not that you don't love and remember those that you lost but just like losing my mom sometimes it is easier not to think about the end and just remember the good times we had.

Well seeing the young man from the high school speak his mind about change and about expecting something this time from people in positions of power who have not budged before on gun laws made me think. The thing this kid wants is hope. Now I know how this thing played out in the past and every tragedy the survivors think this is the time that Congress is going to listen. This time there will be change. Well the one thing the young man said today that got me was that if they elected officials don't make a change that we will have to. Now in my mind that is saying if you won't change the laws fine expect the end of your term to be the end of your political career. Because honestly people don't change and if you want change then you want new people. And the only way that happens if more than 5 percent of the voting population get out and vote for a change.

I always find it interesting how time changes your perspective on an event. But some situations shouldn't have to happen. In 2011 I volunteered at my nephew's school a few times a week while I was unemployed. I went through a back ground check and a stood outside for fire drills and sat on the floor under the window during a lock down with the blinds closed. These things were all before our family's tragedy. Before I believed it could happen to someone I love. As a volunteer sometimes the teacher would let me know the drill was coming just so I was prepared and knew what to do to assist.

As for Hope. After Brian and I came home we went to a group counseling for people who had lost relatives. I only went once. I couldn't do it again because what I wanted was to see progress. To see that it gets better. I wanted to see time does heal all wounds. Even big gaping ones that you at that moment can't imagine healing.  I will not share the things I heard that night but I didn't see hope. It could be that group had been together a long time and they commiserated with each other and their pain but Brian and I were not the only people there that night for the first time and some of these people had been dealing with their loss for years and I felt were no further along in the grieving process than we were. I found other people to talk to and I found that those people didn't have to live through the same things that I did to listen. Same goes for all the rest of the people and their own personal struggles. Sometimes someone on the outside looking in can gleam a bit of hope for you.

So before I go to work today again I pray. A prayer I have prayed to many times before but because I have hope will probably pray again. Dear Father please watch over the people suffering losses this big because any loss is a large loss to You. Hold them in Your hands and let them know that their is hope. There is a light and that light is You. Amen.

Another Tragedy in the World

So it is 5:30 in the morning and I cannot sleep. I can't turn off my brain and all I keep thinking is that I am avoiding the news and the stories and the drama on tv but my brain still knows it is going on.

I know the suffering the choices that people are making. I know that for some this is all more than they can take in and that somehow going out for a night on the town should never have turned to this tragedy. But it has. I always read a previous post before I start writing. Today I looked back to find what I had written after the Sandy Hook shooting. I first had a hard time finding the post. I didn't realize it was back in 2012, the same year as our own tragedy. After reading what I had written it came back. The feelings then were still fresh, the wounds still open and the anger was real. Part of me thought just re-post what you wrote back then. It is still true, my feelings have not changed and guess what neither has gun laws or the amount of suffering in the world. I do stop and check myself so I just looked up gun law changes in wake of Sandy Hook shooting as far as I could find nothing changed on a national level and only 3 states made changes to existing gun laws: Connecticut, New York and Maryland. So thank you to 3 out of 50 states for saying that a clip holding more than 10 rounds isn't necessary. I know some will think I am cruel but if Congress can't change laws after a shooting in an elementary school what makes anyone believe they will make a change after a shooting in a bar.

One thing that most don't realize when I write these thoughts I am so careful in what I say and have spent an hour writing and only written 2 paragraphs where normally my fingers are tired at this point from all the typing. I have erased more than I will probably share today. I think of the suffering and the sadness. I know that everyone deals with something like this in their own way. Some have to talk about it and get it out and others keep everything inside. I don't begrudge those that must talk about it just please don't talk to me about the details. If you want to talk about healing or getting through this that is fine but the details are not for me.

In the wake of this tragic event I will just remind the world that this is not over for all the families. Even though another week or so will pass and the news will start to wane. It will take months for some to be able to go out in public again and others may never. Family members will hold tight to a t-shirt or a teddy bear instead of their family member. Some will seek help and others will not. And for some years will pass in a blink of an eye and they will continue to live in these days. They hold on to the darkness and don't let in the light. They will be unable to move on. Unable to live their own lives. But they will not make the news. Their suffering will go unknown by most. This is where the terror lives. I think it is great that health care agencies are letting their patients know that they do have people that you can talk to on the phone and who may be able to help some deal with the tragedy.

So I have learned this morning that I today am more about the healing of the victims and their family members than the changing of the world.

In closing I pray. I pray for the victims those both with visible scars and those without. I know the wounds are real for both. I pray for the mothers and fathers, sisters and brothers. The friends and acquaintances of the victims. I even pray for those who may have thought of going out that night but decided they were too tired they to have survivors remorse. You will heal and it will take time. Be open and share your feelings. Take one day at a time and each decision that you make or don't make is ok. Everyone heals at a different rate and your healing will come. Amen.